Death Race: A Synopsis
It’s 2012 and the world is recovering from a financial collapse. The government of the United States was bought by a corporation that remains nameless and generally indescript throughout the entire movie. Our prisons, also corporate-owned, stage elaborate “death races” in which inmates compete for their freedom on a live internet feed. Viewers can subscribe to this feed for the low, low price of $250. Okay, plot hole right here: who the hell would pay $250 to watch the races? It was a stretch to get me to pay $10.25 to see this movie.
And now for a feeble attempt at a storyline: Jason Statham plays Jensen Ames, a generically sexy guy who works for the Man doing hard labor of the most boring variety. Jensen barely makes enough to survive, let alone support his hot wife and cute baby daughter. Being that we know Mr. Statham is meant for bigger and badder badassery, we can safely assume that his wife and daughter will be killed, kidnapped, or sold to Russian druglords. And we would be half right. While Jensen checks on his daughter, his wife is killed by a masked man who will play a significant role later in the film. Lo and behold, Jensen is framed for her murder and sent to Terminal Island, a maximum security prison run by an evil prison warden named Hennessey. Hennessey is played by Joan Allen who probably got lost on her way to audition for Stepford Wives 2.
We learn that Jensen, an ex-con, can race cars really well. So well in fact, that Hennessey had his wife killed just so he could race a car for the late Frankenstein (a nod to the original Death Race 2000) who no one knows is dead. Convenient? Yes. You know what else is convenient? An inmate who wins five Death Races automatically earns his freedom. Frankenstein One has already won four of his races. Jensen, or Frankenstein Two, must win only one more race before he is set free. Let’s just go ahead and pretend that this system isn’t totally fucked. Oh yeah, and the race is fixed.
Frankenstein Two is set to race with Frankenstein One’s arch-nemesis, Machine Gun Joe (Tyrese in this film, Stallone in the first. Winner: Stallone), some Russian dude, an old NASCAR driver, an Asian, a Mexican, and several other nameless minorities.
Races are broken down into three rounds. Why? There is no discernable reason. The winner of the third race is the winner overall. I’m pretty sure someone realized that one Death Race is not long enough to sustain an entire movie. Also, it gives us time to get to know Frankenstein Two’s pit crew: an old sage, a Mexican gangster and a bookish nerd who is probably autistic. We never learn what they’re in for and frankly, they’re pretty much cut from cardboard so go ahead with your stereotypes and figure it out for yourself. We have more important things to worry about — boobs and the lack thereof so far in this film.
Each driver is assigned a “navigator” from the women’s prison (in the future, only hot asian chicks and latinas go to jail!) who basically just sits in the car and tells them where to turn. Except that Machine Gun Joe kills off so many of his navigators that they give him men instead. Oh yeah, and he’s The Gay…
And they’re off! If you’ve succeeded in Mario Kart, you would effing own Death Race. Driving over sewer grates emblazoned with swords activates your guns (yeah, what?) and driving over sheilds activates your oil, smoke and napalm (and I repeat, what?). The R rating is earned by the “Death Heads,” sewer grates with skull icons that cause a large spiked “death head” to rise from the course and impale your immediate opponent rendering him both dead and out of the race. Oh yes, it’s chock full of deathy goodness…
Stay tuned for the shocking conclusion of Death Race: The Synopsis
